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Pointless drivel - the likes of which you've never seen...

...and probably never wanted to in the first place.


God speaks.


April 1st, 2012

I'm having a rather hard time articulating this, so please bear with me.

First, some background. For those who don't know, I have a very difficult job. It kicks my ass on a fairly regular basis.

I love every second of it.

I am doing what has been considered "men's work" and doing it very well thankyouverymuch. I am also pretty happy in my own skin. This is a bit of an accomplishment for me, because I hated my skin (and everything it held) for a long time. I got over that, but I haven't forgotten it.

I have recently been trying to get along with my ex. For the sake of our son's stability, health, future and sanity, we're going to be living together again. Separately, but together... if that makes sense. We talk several times a week. I'm dealing with this okay. Sometimes it's easier than others, but I'm trying. He says he still loves me, and doesn't seem to be able to come to terms with the fact that we are done. There is no "we". It is going to be very interesting when he finally moves in here and I have to give up my personal space. (not giving up my room, in fact may get a lock and a tv in there...)

SO. On to the issue at hand.

Last night at work was pretty tough. I needed to access the differentials on a 950H loader to sample the fluids... but couldn't get into them because I needed a 1 1/2" wrench, and the biggest size I have on my truck is 1 1/4". I tried using a socket and breaker bar but couldn't get the leverage seeing as how I was laying in the dirt and couldn't, well lever.

TMI I know. Blah blah have some cheese with that whine I NEED TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON.

Earlier that day, Robert had a test for his next belt in Karate, and I wanted to find out what had happened. After beating the dead horse and realizing it was already quitting time and I /still/ had to clean up, I had to call it. I was extremely frustrated with the fact that I couldn't finish the job, and needed to call Ron before it got too late (quitting time, btw, is 10pm). I managed to clean up, get back to the yard, get my paperwork done and lock everything up around 10:30.

I was walking back to my car so I called Ron to see what happened. The first thing he said was along the lines of wow, guess who got some overtime lol. I was still unhappy about what had happened, so I started to tell him about it. I got as far as "I couldn't get into..." and he said (and I quote) "Ha, well if you weren't such a wussy little girly-girl, you might have been able to do it!!"


I said it was bullshit, and that I was going to kick his ass for saying it, and he LOLED some more, gloated about how I wasn't going to see him for a few days (as if I'd forget by then) and then, when I tried to get it through to him that I was /actually/ upset, like for /real/, he LOLED SOME MORE and basically said that it was funny.


I was actually so upset, I had to end the call - which had lasted for less than a minute!! - and cried the rest of the way back to my car. In the dark. In the dirt. Wearing a hard hat and diesel-stained boots.

He called me today to apologize that I got upset. I didn't want to talk about that, only the boy. After I got that info, he wanted to talk about me being upset some more. I told him I didn't want to talk about it now, that I needed him to think about what he said and why, maybe, possibly, he shouldn't have said it. He said he didn't understand and needed me to explain it to him. I said I didn't want to talk about it now and that I was really done with the conversation and had things to do, places to go. He got all sad and dejected, and I really didn't feel bad about it. I was feeling bad about other things already, and didn't want to have a stupid puffy teary-face when I got out of my car argh. After I hung up, he sent a text message that started "I really hate seeing you like this." I'm so glad that you hate seeing me like this.

I feel a bit better after typing all that, but the fact remains, I don't know how to explain this to him. I feel like he dismisses me unless he thinks he needs to butter me up, and I don't even really want any acknowledgement from him in the first place. It's like me being happy with myself isn't good enough, unless I get approval. WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN. He's been out of work and on unemployment for a while. He had a gig in Tucson, but it was hurting Robert so he had to leave that and move back in with his parents. Which is awesome. He's doing some stuff he can work out of the house, so it's not like he's not working, but he doesn't have what is considered a 'traditional' job. It probably doesn't help that with the two of us, the traditional gender roles are completely reversed. He'll be the one cooking and doing homework, taking the kid to and from school, and I'll be the one getting dirty and stinky, busting my ass to bring home the bacon. It may be completely subconscious, but I believe he may be somehow threatened by this arrangement, no matter how he may profess to be "totally stoked" about it. I think that he might be subconsciously trying to bring me down in some way, so he feels better about the situation as a whole.

I have to hope that's what it is, because if he's doing it consciously, well, I don't think there's a jury that would convict me. If they could find me. Ha.

I also love how when he apologized, it wasn't because of what he did, it was because of how I reacted. He also professed - again - to really love me. I really don't want to hear that. I seriously tell him to stop that. I am not playing hard to get. I am not playing head games. I really don't want this.

re: Advice request



May 27th, 2011

(no subject)

God speaks.
Is it just me? I don't think it's just me. I'm sitting between my grandparents at El Torito, having a nice family dinner. I found out about it yesterday, when my Uncle Bear called to let me know. I never heard anything from my dad, who apparently was the one to set this whole thing up. This does not surprise me. What does surprise me is the fact that he didn't let either of my brothers know - not even the one who lives with them.

The thing that pisses me off about this is when my dad showed up - late - and saw me sitting at the table between his parents, he got this really exasperated look, like, oh god, what is SHE doing here?

Really guy? Really?? We're still doing this?? Get the FUCK OVER YOURSELF.


September 10th, 2010

so. yeah.

God speaks.
I've had a lot of practice living... ~ahem~... frugally. The last few months, however, have been an exercise in financial acrobatics.

Speaking of acrobatics, I am *so* very thankful for my other family. Without them, and the net they so generously provided, I would be in a world of shit.



April 26th, 2010

  • 11:38 Love Belles of Bedlam so much. Boggards next! #faire #
  • 14:29 Man, I haven't been to faire in 3 years. I miss Bold & Stupid men but Men in Tights are awesome too XDDD #
  • 17:21 Um, holy shit. Just saw Dread Crew of Oddwood. Holy SHIT DID THAT ROCK OMFG uh, pardon my flailing AAAAAHHH!! #faire #
  • 17:29 @MistressPrime - Why, yes. Yes they do and WHY YOU NOT COME -cries- We must make a date to return. Need to use my garb. #
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April 22nd, 2010

  • 19:01 Well, finding out I'm not working tomorrow @ 7pm beats finding out @5am. 4srs. #
  • 19:07 Haven't made garb in 5 years. Have I mentioned how much I love this sewing machine? LOVE. #
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April 20th, 2010

  • 19:46 Well... just found out am not working tomorrow. Suddenly find myself with a free night. What to do, what to do... #

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April 18th, 2010

  • 20:15 A good idea we restarted tonight-Thanksgiving redux. Leftovers only last so long, & turkey w/stuffing in Apr is epic win #

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April 7th, 2010

  • 07:10 In the van, on the way to the training site. Work being lame. Felt like doing something productive w/my day off... #
  • 07:13 It's been so long, there's a new driver... what a mouse. I miss riding out w/Mark. That man knows how to drive. KNOWS. #
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April 5th, 2010

  • 15:44 @MistressPrime - WOO-HOO THAT ROCKED!! 0_0 #
  • 15:48 Y'know what's funny, I was just listening to Ring of Fire right before my house started rocking. ROCK & ROLL YEAH #
  • 15:53 And I just KNOW my dad is looking at this and saying "ARMAGEDDON IS COMING REPENT SINNERS" if I talked to him, that is. #
  • 18:22 @MistressPrime - Concensus here says you're making us all hungry... and we just finished eating!! #
  • 18:29 @MistressPrime - YES WELL YOU SHOULD BE. XP ...anyways, where are you going to get the DELICIOUS DELICIOUS goods? #
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March 30th, 2010

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March 26th, 2010

  • 18:47 Okay, I wasn't hungry until that tray passed me... now I'm likely to gank the next one that passes. Just saying. #

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March 24th, 2010

  • 11:44 Heard about Keith Olbermann's comment... phew, is it just me or is it getting HAWT in here? #

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March 13th, 2010

  • 10:53 Standin in a hole, holdin a big rod... grade checking! what did you think I was doing?! jeez... #

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March 2nd, 2010

  • 07:24 Hey Sacramento! FUCK!! SHIT!! COCK!! ASS!! #
  • 07:49 Oops, I forgot hell. HELL!! and TITS? #
  • 07:51 Well, the great George Carlin thought 'tits' sounded more like a snack food than a bad word... meh. TITS!! So ha! XP #
  • 08:01 All levity aside, Carlin's 'forbidden words' routine should be required listening for all who think this is a good idea. #
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February 28th, 2010

  • 18:51 AAAHH! OMG!! Shamrock shakes are back! Like grasshopper cookies in beverage form 0w0 #

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February 27th, 2010

  • 11:50 Behavior of seagulls - oddly enough, one of the smallest is top of pecking order. Also the loudest & most obnoxious. #
  • 11:53 This makes me realize that saying politics are 'for the birds' has a very deep meaning. Whoa. /Keanu #
  • 14:24 @MistressPrime - Out here my coworkers have but one thing to say about 'no cuss week' - What the fuck is that bullshit?! #
  • 18:46 Belly chuckles from my boy are always great... when they're due to Monty Python's Holy Grail? FREAKIN SWEET. #
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February 19th, 2010

  • 08:40 Yeah. So. Over the last 3 days my acct balance has dropped to 12 dollars. Some dick got my info & took it to BofA atm!! #
  • 09:17 ATM card frozen, now have no access to my money wtf this sucks so freaking hungry #
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February 17th, 2010

  • 14:12 OMG. My boy is 2.5 requirements away from his bear badge, and the big meeting is a week from tomorrow. Holy cow! #

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February 15th, 2010

  • 11:15 Magic mtn pt deux-no rain this time! park actually open! yey! #
  • 12:06 List of rides Robert has pronounced boring-Riddler, Batman, wtf? liked Colossus & Goldrusher... #
  • 12:15 Ok, Scream met with approval. Guess the others were too short. Still. Batman?! #
  • 12:35 re: Goliath - 'Hey, that wasn't boring!' argh. what. #
  • 15:45 After a food break, back to riding. X2 a bust-ride too short compared to line. Have realized my son is doing it wrong. #
  • 16:36 Did Tatsu-finally. Not as much fun as I'd hoped. Went on X2 first. Spoiled it for myself. Should've saved best for last. #
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February 13th, 2010

  • 08:24 So. Hearing protection. Vitally important for my voice. Yelling @ old timers w/laryngitis? SO not good. tough guys... ha #
  • 08:27 BTW-getting a lot of funny looks. Hey, you KNOW I don't always squeak like this. jeez. laugh it up why don't you. #
  • 08:46 @MistressPrime - Is that the one in Solvang? haven't been there in 22 years... wow. #
  • 08:56 @MistressPrime - I can say with a certainty that the last time I was there I did not notice the mead. XDDD #
  • 09:12 @MistressPrime - This is also true. Still, I think I'd like to see Solvang/Buellton through the eyes of a 'grownup' XDD #
  • 09:17 @MistressPrime - Well, I'd squee, but I'm squeaking already - shut up Seth, no peanut gallery. #
  • 10:43 Well, shit. Plus side? no more squeaking. Down side? no more voice. #
  • 12:07 Am communicating entirely in written form. Disaster strikes, and I have to write out my instructions. oy vey. #
  • 12:13 @MistressPrime - No, they know better than that-except when I write sign language & flip them off. Then it's hysterical. #
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