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Pointless drivel - the likes of which you've never seen...

I really think I need some advice.

I really think I need some advice.

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God speaks.
I'm having a rather hard time articulating this, so please bear with me.

First, some background. For those who don't know, I have a very difficult job. It kicks my ass on a fairly regular basis.

I love every second of it.

I am doing what has been considered "men's work" and doing it very well thankyouverymuch. I am also pretty happy in my own skin. This is a bit of an accomplishment for me, because I hated my skin (and everything it held) for a long time. I got over that, but I haven't forgotten it.

I have recently been trying to get along with my ex. For the sake of our son's stability, health, future and sanity, we're going to be living together again. Separately, but together... if that makes sense. We talk several times a week. I'm dealing with this okay. Sometimes it's easier than others, but I'm trying. He says he still loves me, and doesn't seem to be able to come to terms with the fact that we are done. There is no "we". It is going to be very interesting when he finally moves in here and I have to give up my personal space. (not giving up my room, in fact may get a lock and a tv in there...)

SO. On to the issue at hand.

Last night at work was pretty tough. I needed to access the differentials on a 950H loader to sample the fluids... but couldn't get into them because I needed a 1 1/2" wrench, and the biggest size I have on my truck is 1 1/4". I tried using a socket and breaker bar but couldn't get the leverage seeing as how I was laying in the dirt and couldn't, well lever.

TMI I know. Blah blah have some cheese with that whine I NEED TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON.

Earlier that day, Robert had a test for his next belt in Karate, and I wanted to find out what had happened. After beating the dead horse and realizing it was already quitting time and I /still/ had to clean up, I had to call it. I was extremely frustrated with the fact that I couldn't finish the job, and needed to call Ron before it got too late (quitting time, btw, is 10pm). I managed to clean up, get back to the yard, get my paperwork done and lock everything up around 10:30.

I was walking back to my car so I called Ron to see what happened. The first thing he said was along the lines of wow, guess who got some overtime lol. I was still unhappy about what had happened, so I started to tell him about it. I got as far as "I couldn't get into..." and he said (and I quote) "Ha, well if you weren't such a wussy little girly-girl, you might have been able to do it!!"


I said it was bullshit, and that I was going to kick his ass for saying it, and he LOLED some more, gloated about how I wasn't going to see him for a few days (as if I'd forget by then) and then, when I tried to get it through to him that I was /actually/ upset, like for /real/, he LOLED SOME MORE and basically said that it was funny.


I was actually so upset, I had to end the call - which had lasted for less than a minute!! - and cried the rest of the way back to my car. In the dark. In the dirt. Wearing a hard hat and diesel-stained boots.

He called me today to apologize that I got upset. I didn't want to talk about that, only the boy. After I got that info, he wanted to talk about me being upset some more. I told him I didn't want to talk about it now, that I needed him to think about what he said and why, maybe, possibly, he shouldn't have said it. He said he didn't understand and needed me to explain it to him. I said I didn't want to talk about it now and that I was really done with the conversation and had things to do, places to go. He got all sad and dejected, and I really didn't feel bad about it. I was feeling bad about other things already, and didn't want to have a stupid puffy teary-face when I got out of my car argh. After I hung up, he sent a text message that started "I really hate seeing you like this." I'm so glad that you hate seeing me like this.

I feel a bit better after typing all that, but the fact remains, I don't know how to explain this to him. I feel like he dismisses me unless he thinks he needs to butter me up, and I don't even really want any acknowledgement from him in the first place. It's like me being happy with myself isn't good enough, unless I get approval. WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN. He's been out of work and on unemployment for a while. He had a gig in Tucson, but it was hurting Robert so he had to leave that and move back in with his parents. Which is awesome. He's doing some stuff he can work out of the house, so it's not like he's not working, but he doesn't have what is considered a 'traditional' job. It probably doesn't help that with the two of us, the traditional gender roles are completely reversed. He'll be the one cooking and doing homework, taking the kid to and from school, and I'll be the one getting dirty and stinky, busting my ass to bring home the bacon. It may be completely subconscious, but I believe he may be somehow threatened by this arrangement, no matter how he may profess to be "totally stoked" about it. I think that he might be subconsciously trying to bring me down in some way, so he feels better about the situation as a whole.

I have to hope that's what it is, because if he's doing it consciously, well, I don't think there's a jury that would convict me. If they could find me. Ha.

I also love how when he apologized, it wasn't because of what he did, it was because of how I reacted. He also professed - again - to really love me. I really don't want to hear that. I seriously tell him to stop that. I am not playing hard to get. I am not playing head games. I really don't want this.

re: Advice request


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